I'm going to make a cup of tea and then I'm going to do some Chemistry revision/homework and then Psychology.
Yes I will.

I WILL I WILL I WILL.

So I think I'm going to start writing something every day. Even if it is some shit about my day which nobody cares about, it is still at least me creating a piece of writing.
Shit writing. But whatever. I just feel like I don't even know how to write anymore, or I've lost all inspiration. So that is something else to consider doing too - finding something inspiration in every day.

Today:

- A boy in a group of three said "Evenin'" to me as I walked past him at 3:43pm. The girl next to him rightly commented 'It's the afternoon...'. I love it when an idiot boy's attempt at being funny is not even recognised by their own group of friends.

- An old lady said "Hello dear" to me as I passed her, but when I went to say 'Hi' back, my voice sort of broke so it came out as a whisper that I doubt she heard. I hate passer-bys who ignore me when I smile or say hi, and I bet she hated me in that moment. For the next minute or so I considered going back just to say my 'Hi' more clearly -__-.

- I was the only one to arrive on time to my morning Psychology class, and for the 5 minutes before people finally arrived I did briefly wonder whether the zombie apocalypse had come and me and John (the lecturer) were the minority that had not woken up as a zombie.


I think that was it. It's all uninteresting bollocks but that is my life.
Myabe this will help me to write more easily. *shrugs*

xx

Got a condition offer from Anglia Ruskin University!
I don't even want to go there. but hey, it's nice to have something to fall back on, so long as I get a minimum of 200 points. Piece of piss hopefully.

Chemistry is going disastrously. Biology is better than last year. English is wearing me out and I can't believe I am even bothering to retake when I got a fucking B. Psychology is harder with John but still pretty easy.

Just fed up. Missing Reuben. Want to finish college now, but don't at the same time because it means moving away and missing Reuben even more.
Dilemma.

xx

Too young to work in Warren's bakery (wtf I use cookers at home, wankers).
Too busy during the week to work at Dorothy Perkins.

xx

I think I can get away with using this icon now that it's Autumn.

It's been ages. It doesn't seem like too much has happened by I'll update anyway.

- So this weekend it will be 6 months for me and Reuben :) I'm feeling pretty positive about the whole thing, seeing as I'm still as ridiculously happy as I was at the beginning. More, in fact. Now that I know that I'll most likely be with him for a lot longer.
Catching the train tonight to go and visit. We're gonna go see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus ^-^.

- College still rules my life. Posbbily even more than last year. I haven't seen Coronation Street in so long (:O!) because I have literally been working all night every night, starting from when I get home from college.
In retrospect I don't actually seem to achieve that much, but for some reason it takes hours.

- Tried to get a job in Clinton's Cards. failed. Argos are no longer employing, The jewellery shop needs people with 'flexible hours', and the position at Nile's has been filled.
The Nile's lady took down my name and number though, so she might end up giving me a call if things get busy there.

- UCAS. I don't think an explanation is needed. Just that it's driving me crazy.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm thinking that's about it.
It's all college and college work and trying to find a job and universities and UCAS applications at the moment, but I'm okay. In fact I should say that actually I am brilliant, because next year I might be far away at university, in some unfamiliar place with unfamiliar faces and hardly ever seeing Reuben or my friends.

So yes. I think this time will be spent just making the most of the situation as it is.

plus I am especially happy right now because even though I has the sick, my daddeh has just brought me medicine and tea :) poifect.

xx

It's 2:21am and I am growing gradually insane with loneliness. I didn't think I could ever miss somebody this much and I have only been apart from him for three days. I think it's the fact that I simply can't see him which makes it so frustrating. I don't even have the choice.
Well I could. He would have to drive for 2 hours and waste his very limited money or I would have to wake my mother up and ask for money for a train ticket (which, by the way, is stupidly expensive for an anytime return), and wait for the next available train.

So all we can do is stare at our screens, wishing we could see each other, and having nothing to talk about other than how much we wish we could see each other.
But hey. It could be worse.
At least we are still in the same country, and at least we are closer to each other than we will be next year when I move to go to University.

But


it is still driving me quite insane.

well maybe not the bed, as it is a single and it was always fairly cramped whenever you stayed over.
But the space between me and the wall feels much more vast now that it is not occupied by your arm around my tummy.
He's not even been gone a day yet.

Fuck you, Plymouth. And fuck you expensive train tickets!


'cause with all these things we do, it don't matter when I'm coming home to you. and after all that we've been through, after all this time, I'm coming home to you.
xx

because there is nobody on msn.
There is usually atleast that one guy who just never seems to go offline - he's probably not even there, or dead at his computer screen. but no, not even he is there. They must have discovered his body and signed him off at last.


I should stop writing things in here when it is early morning. It's the equivilant of texting people when pissed.
just bollocks.

Since I am currently having a very rare pajama day in which for once nobody is knocking at my door and dragging me out, I can now stress out and worry 'til I explode about the million and one things I have to do this summer. Or it seems that way anyway.

If I make a list, maybe I can pretend that these things will just go away on their own.

- Buy 'The Handmaid's Tale' and read it before college starts again.
- Complete Biology work (AJDHASJFHJS\ZHCF)
- Find out what the Chemistry homework is and complete that too.
- Sort out CV. (adding the info about Oxfam, try not to lose reference.)
- Make appointment for third whateverit'scalledyouknowwhatImean jab.
- Write personal statement.
- Find out about applying to Universities and dates and shit.
- Get picture done for provisional liscence.
- Get driving lessons.
- Get a job.
- Try not to have a mental breakdown.

On top of all this, I am trying to see Reuben as much as possible because soon enough he will be in Plymouth and I will see him perhaps only a few times a month. Then next year I will be off somewhere else in the country, just to make things more difficult and awkward.

Since I have a day off I consulted the tea leaves again 'cause it's been a while.
"GIANT, There is, or will be, a serious obstacle in your path."
- don't I just know it. That fucking giant took up the whole cup, I can't find any other symbols.

The only thing I have achieved so far this summer is finishing K-Pax, which I did yesterday, and I didn't even like those books. I will have to give those back to Reuby asap too. Aswell as his lighter which he left.

I think the only thing I currently have to look forward to is Sonisphere in two days :)
Download was awesome enough, but this time I will have my best friends with me, and NINE INCH FUCKING NAILS ♥ ajdawFJA\HFJCHADSJZf. I may cry.

So. Yes. It's all very busy and horrible at the moment :/
There's not even any sun to remind me that is the summer holidays.
To be quite honest, I can't wait to get back to routine. I feel that my life has got too messy.

bad times. x

I wish I could turn your fucking brain off!

I am just proper happy :)

I've got great/crazy friends, including one I thought I'd lost forever, the sink's broken but mum doesn't seem to care, the party was awesome, my boyfriend is amazing, and in general any thoughts I have are positive.

I just thought I ought to write this down incase something crops up and I forget how good life is.

So here are some 'thought-provoking' questions I've found, because apparently my body and mind do not want any sleep tonight.


What in life, is beautiful to you? Where do you find inspiration?
I won't say anything like sunsets or flowers - although they are undoubtedly beautiful - but I find the little things that you don't often notice to be much more beautiful. The sound of rain against windows, feeling the scars on my boyfriend's hand and arms, piano music, waking up to hear the radio in the kitchen downstairs where people are making breakfest. It's these things, which other people may think of as mundane or ordinary, that give me inspiration.

What are the three "nevers" of your life?
I haven't really thought about that before. But right now I would think:
1. If christmas lights are not working, they are broken and you should NEVER touch them when they are still plugged in. The scar on my left hand tells me this.
2. Never give a cheater a second chance. A broken heart tells me this.
3. Never give up on a goal just because you are not sure if you can achieve it. Many sleepless nights filled with doubt tells me this.
You will notice that these are all things I have made mistakes with in the past. I guess this is just how we learn.

Can you describe your life with a six word sentence?
I'm happier than I've ever been.

What is your biggest best dream here and now?
Right now my biggest dream is to stay with the person I am with now, get into University and get through Medicine without a major breakdown, and even if I do not achieve that, be happy in the knowledge that there are many more options still open for me.
In all, I suppose, it's just to be happy in whatever I end up doing.

If you could have the one work (job, occupation, etc.) perfectly suited to you, what would it be?
Getting paid a lot for doing nothing in particular.

What is your greatest deepest fear?
Failure, not knowing what I want, or getting hurt again.

What did you want to be when you grew up?
I always wanted to be a psychologist. Or a popstar.

Who are your favorite artists? Why?
I don't know if this means artists as in painters and such, or bands and singers?
So I'll assume the latter since I don't know much about art.
I have two favourites, HIM and Nine Inch Nails.
HIM - because I grew up listening to them, as they were my brother's favourite band, and they've just stuck with me. The first song I ever heard by them was Join Me, and I couldn't get it out of my head for weeks. I am absolutely in love with Ville's deep voice, they are amazing live and just such a lovely band that are not arrogant in the slightest.
Nine Inch Nails - because they only ever do what they want to do. They will never become comercialised and they are as awesome as they were years ago. Trent Reznor is simply a genius. Every single song touches me, and I can always hear emotion in Trent's voice. I love their sound.

Where do you find refuge and how does it bless your life?
This is a hard one for me, because refuge is somewhere you would go or something you would do in order to escape from the stress of life, right? But often when life gets too stressful I find that I tend to revert back to an introverted state and get very ill. Which is not great at all :/
Although, I suppose you could also say refuge is just something that you do to give yourself some enjoyment. So I would have to say that I take refuge most in my friends. Even though I protest most of the time, I can't pretend that on the occasions when they do manage it, I do love being dragged out of my shell and driven away somewhere.

Where does love end and obsession begin?
I don't really know this, but the song 'Cup of Coffee' by Garbage seems to put it across better than I could.

If you could sit down and have a heart-to-heart discussion with your younger self, what words would you share with her or him?
Well first of all, I'd tell them never to listen to those other kids who think you're not cool enough or too nerdy or not fun enough - because actually in a few years people will appreciate the more sensible side of you a lot. That moving away is definitely not the end of your life, as you'll find that the people you meet will almost make you want to stay there forever.

Read any good books lately?
Not really. I've been reading the Harry Potter series again, which is of course always good :D Other than that I have been reading the K-PAX series that Reuben lent to me, and to be honest with you, I am only continuing to read them because I need to give them back asap and now I can't give up without knowing what happens in the end. It's become a bit of a chore though.

To whom did you last say “I love you”? Do you? To whom do you want to say “I love you”? Why don’t you? Who do you wish would say “I love you” to you?
It was Reuben, and yes I meant it, of course. I don't say 'I love you' to my family enough, I'm not sure why, probably embarrassment. I wish my Dad would say 'I love you' to me, because even though I'm sure he does it would just be nice to hear it, as we don't really talk that much despite living in the same house.
It made me a smile a lot though, when I heard about how he wanted to break a certain person's face for hurting me :)

Why do you think so many people never realise their full potential?
This is a question I ask myself so many times!
It annoys me so much when somebody who could be so much more is stuck in an unfulfilling job or course, or doing nothing at all. I suppose one of the reasons is that they honestly believe they are not good enough, or that they are afraid of failure. This is stupid though, and I think that you shoudl always try your best even if voices are telling you that you will not suceed. What harm will come from trying?
I've got to admit though that some people are very happy in their jobs, even if it is less than they could achieve, because it is what they enjoy doing. In this case, I think that it is much better to be in a job you love, even if you are not realising your 'full potential'.



Well, that was just some of my thoughts for you. It is now 4am, and I am still not very sleepy but I think I shall give my brain another chance for rest. x

oh hai. it's just me, fucking things up royally again.

sajfzdhc\jadzjxc I'm such a stupid bitch!

I need to get absolutely trolleyed.



and I mean a proper party, because I can never get drunk on these random get togethers we have. I want to be able to stumble laughing through crowds, rather than get politely tipsy with three friends and feeling sleepy.

I aaaallllsssooo need to stop writing in my livejournal at midnight because I talk such bollocks :)

but yeah. anways.
I want a drink, a want a smoke, I want loud music, I want good friends and I want embarrassing pictures to look through and laugh at in the morning.

As soon as college is over with this week, yes? deal? good.

"Somewhere far beyond the office walls, Harry could hear the sound of voices, students heading down to the Great Halls for an early breakfast, perhaps. It seemed impossible that there could be people in the world who still desired food, who laughed, who neither know nor cared that Sirius Black was gone for ever. Sirius seemed a million miles away already; even now a part of Harry still believed that if he had only pulled back that veil, he would have found Sirius looking back at him, greeting him, perhaps, with his laugh like a bark ..."

:'(

It gets me every time. I think this is probably my favourite piece of writing from anything, ever.



So anyway. Yeah. Nothing much happened today, spent most of it in/on/around my bed.
Basically I've just been in my bedroom, wandering downstairs every now and then for food.

I've been feeling anti-social since yesterday and didn't feel like seeing anybody, but I think it's passing now.
I miss him.
I feel bad for the way I am :/ I need to change. I know exactly what will happen if I don't but...I can't help it. I'm just like this.
To be fair though, I am way more sociable than I used to be. I've been going out every weekend, whereas a few years ago it was rare that I went anywhere other than school or home for months.

I probably should have gone out tonight though. Regretting that now.
I need his hugs.

I hate it when it's morning, and you're rememebering the things you thought about last night.
It's exactly like Bright Eyes says:

"What was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane."



I'm sorry. Like you said, maybe one day I will be able to talk to you properly.

The only problem was that I know somebody who said the exact same thing to me. Then he crushed me into little pieces.
So hopefully, you will forgive me if I do not trust so easily.




I am fine though.
What should I have to complain about? My life is fucking brilliant.
And you know that you are the best thing that could have happened to me, right?

it's going to happen again.

Today was surprisingly okay.
Karl may actually be an alright guy. He made us a deal that if we come into lesson tomorrow and Thursday, he'll give us Friday off to 'research in our own time'. Which basically means 'go home and do fuck all'.
:)

BUT, A2 Biology looks like absolute bullshit. There's way too much emphasis on plants for my liking. And I fucking hate learning about Ecosystems and populations.
rawr.



I also really don't like feeling so creative when I have absolute nothing to write about.
NOTHING IS COMING TO ME. SERIOUSLY.
I used to write all the time.
The only things I can think of are abstract and meaningless, because that's how I think.
abstract and meaningless. Like here is what I'm thinking right now.

It's grey. Rain looks like it's floating.
I'm proud of those paper cranes, though that poster will have to move.
I don't like my room, it needs more of everything but I don't want to have to wait to buy things.


YOU SEE. YOU SEE.

I don't know. I'll have a look through my black book of writing and see if I can pick anything up from there. I could probably patch Only Charlotte up with some of my own experiences, seen as I have more of them now. Only Charlotte wasn't even going to be the title but I recall it being the last line I wrote. I also don't even know where I was going with that.
ohhhh wellllll. x

I love not waking up on a Monday. It gives me the day off college to make this

,

watch Hey Arnold! and read tea leaves :)
The last of which forsaw a successful journey, followed by success in a city/town.
I also saw something which looked like the sydney opera house in Australia, which is freaky because my friend Toby is going to Australia very soon, and I've been worrying about how he's going to survive with basically no money and no plan.
So this could be about him, which I really hope, or it may be about me moving away from Cornwall to go to University - since it was at the bottom of the cup, aka further into the future.

Or it could just be bullshit.


So yes, that was my day. I'm kind of looking forward to college tomorrow to start a fresh new year, but at the same time, I really like doing nothing -__-.
Oh well, only about a month until the long summer holiday ♥



I wish I could write. Nothing's coming to me.

I forgot how awesome Hey Arnold is! Seriously, I miss this show.
I want his room :(

I think I need to do something with my room. I remember thinking I should draw/paint some kind of wall art, but knowing me I'll only fudge it up.
I'm thinking I might make some origami paper cranes and hang them from the ceiling at different heights :)

The problem is that sometimes I'd really love to have an ultra comfy and messy room, but at other times I'd love an organised geeky kind of room.
I still love the idea of something solar-system based. I used to have glow in the dark moons and stars but I lost them :/ I also really need to get some bookshelves. And a wizard chess set, though first I've got to learn how to play chess, ahaha.




...god, I'm such a nerd.



ACTUAL ROFL. My Dad is ridiculous.
I went down to get my tea, and he's smiling at my in that 'I've had one too many but heyyyy you don't know that ahahaha' way. We chat for a bit about nothing in particular, and then from nowhere he starts quizzing me about how things are with Reuben, and I'm just thinking 'oh. FUCK.'

He said, "What are his intentions?"
"Intentions?? what??"
(Slight change in direction of conversation after I stare blankly at him.)
"Do I need to have a chat with him? I'd like to talk to him sometime"
"You already did. You offered him wine and he said 'no thanks, I'm driving'"
(Seriously, this small encounter was stressful enough for me.)
"What? No I didn't."
Mum intervenes: "Yes, you did."
"So can I have a proper talk with him?"
Mum: "NO." (THANKYOU MOTHER!)
I start to walk out of the kitchen, Dad's voice follows me: "Hayley! Can I just have a chat with him?"
*ignored.*
"Hayley? ...HAYLEY!"


AJSFHKDG\J\HZDKJF\HJAD FATHERS! SERIOULSY!
He also asked me if he was a "sensible kind of guy".
What??! Like he's going to give me advice on mortgages kinda sensible? In which case, NO, BECAUSE WHY WOULD I BE ATTRACTED TO THAT.

Bloody hell.